Origin Story: Lies about Michael Crichton


Way back in the dark ages of 2008–a year sure to be called, henceforth, “The Fuckening”–my original designs for titleofmagazine were largely fermented cubicle thoughts merging pop science blurbs with lies about authors whose names appear in raised type on their books’ dust jackets.  I had fantasies of gently ribbing airport bookstore gods such as Dean “Groping Golden Hand” Koontz and Michael “Gigantor” Crichton into turning my life into a treeless version of The Most Dangerous Game.

But alas, Crichton’s heart gave out.  The man was 6’20” and given to flogging the writing muscles until they squeezed out the purest extracts of commuter-ready techno-thriller and such a strain finally took its toll.  He died the undisputed king of jamming the Clif’s Notes version of modern science up a tyrannosaurus’s ass and then rolling in its cash scented excretions.  A wild ride indeed.

So instead of a running joke, I offer the following as an homage.  No one gave the ol’ literary hip check to his detractors like Michael Crichton.  Wikipedia tells a tale of political columnist, Yale graduate and Crichton critic Michael Crowley:

In his 2006 novel Next (released November 28 of that year), Crichton introduces a character named “Mick Crowley” who is a Yale graduate and a Washington D.C.-based political columnist. “Crowley” is portrayed by Crichton as a child molester with a small penis. The character is a minor one who does not appear elsewhere in the book.

Ouch.  At least he didn’t make him a Nazi needle-dicked child molester.

If I ran Wikipedia…

In Blaze, Crichton’s unpublished novel about a stripper who has a supernatural ability to predict events in fantasy baseball, Crichton introduces a character named Al Gower, a vice president from Tennessee.  “Gower” is described as a child molester with “penile botulism” who hates science fiction novels and maintains a superstitious fear of “spooks n’ hot weather ha’ints.”

– – –
Michael Crichton has a reoccuring dream where he meets Mark Twain.  In it, Twain produces a gold medal from inside his cream-colored suit coat and says “Here, this really belongs to you.”  The raised print on the medal reads, simply: “The Greatest.”

“After that, we went on to have Adventures,” Crichton said.  He added: “Make sure you capitalize ‘Adventures’ when you type that up.”  He repeated this request at the end of the interview, holding out the handshake with an insistent grip until I verbally agreed.

– – –

Michael Crichton doesn’t believe in global warming because of something Michael Jackson once told him at a secret dinner for Famous Michaels.

He has a tattoo on his ankle that says “FM”

– – –

Michael Crichton rewrote that song and that movie as “I Shot the
Sheriff, the Deputy, the Cook and His Wife (And I Winged Jeff Goldblum Too)”  There are no curse words but graphic descriptions of grave-robbing, cannibalism and organ theft.  There is also a reference to Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

The song is reported to be play over the closing credits on the
unreleased Definitive Exclusive Ultimate Edition Director’s Cut of The Great Train Robbery, pushing the film to a likely NC-17 rating.

– – –
Michael Crichton stays quiet during sex to keep higher ranking females from punishing him for having sex with the best males.

18 thoughts on “Origin Story: Lies about Michael Crichton

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