From the Archives: Crichton Latitudes

Crichton wasn’t as steeped in maritime history as, say, Patrick O’Brian, author of “Master and Commander” and the other Aubrey-Maturin novels, but he acquits himself well enough in describing how slower-burning fuses can be made from opossum guts, how to survive a hurricane at sea and how to sabotage Danish cannons. The precision of the historical detail helps conceal the thinness of the characterizations, as everyone in the book, from Hunter on down, is a type, not a three-dimensional individual.

-Michael Berry’s review of Pirate Latitudes

As you may know, this website’s content was originally intended to be fairly Michael Crichton-centric. In honor of the posthumous publication of the Crichton pirate novel Pirate Latitudes, I thought I’d dredge up some chum from the lies cellar of the good ship TITLE‘s alternate reality Wikipedia:

Cryptic Crichton Statements:

  • Immediately subsequent to the Sept. 11 attacks and for three months afterward, Crichton faxed daily press releases to the conservative periodical The National Review detailing how he would win in a “faire fieght” with Tom Wolfe. The pages included multiple clipped pictures of Taliban leader Mullah Omar from the CNN website with hand drawn glasses and the caption “T. Wolfe!” Each day included more penned-in fixes either expanding on his rationale or fixing imagined typos, eventually yielding a document of near cryptographic unreadability.
  • In a Q&A at George Washington University in 2003, when asked who his favorite author was, Crichton replied “Smoke On the Water.”
  • The next question was answered by silent air guitar, accompanied by a smile equal parts surprised and proud. The question was “Are you married?”
  • In an interview where he details the plot of his upcoming novel about a clannish group termed the “Nickel Suns” living communally in Oklahoma, Crichton paused, staring at the slightly parted venetian blinds for an awkward three minutes before dreamily saying “You’re gonna be seeing a lot more six-fingered people after this book comes out. It won’t be… y’know. It won’t be safe to drink the water and if you have a problem with your ex-wife: forget it.”

And ohhhhhhhh it’s a double shot of Crichton-laced gibberish!

Premises/Personal Superstitions Michael Crichton Allegedly Tried to Exploit for Novels:

  • The ancestors of today’s American Indians were not responsible for the massive die-off of American megafauna. No, that was scabies.
  • Skin cancer is caused by charm bracelets and Corona Extra.
  • Blonde-haired, blue-eyed mummies have been found in western China; Chinese mummies have been found in David Schwimmer’s yard.
  • The first diesel engine was designed to run on peanut oil, threatening the interests of the robber barons (and their sinister Masonic cronies) while potentially making Southern peanut farmers indecently rich. While torching the peanut car prototype, Andrew Carnegie was alleged to have said “They’d just spend it on mudflaps and banjo-related amusements.”
  • White chocolate is for pedophiles.
  • Sammy Hagar is actually a genius. And invented making out.
  • Michael Crichton wrote all of Spoon’s songs up through Gimme Fiction, losing them to clever hacking of Crichton’s floppy disk by “that tricky ginger frontman.”

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