Sean Hannity Owes the Troops $2 Million+

Mr. Richard Metzger over at Dangerous Minds chimed in yesterday with a reminder that there’s in excess of $2 million waiting for U.S. troops and their families.  The catch?  It’s money pledged to charity if Sean Hannity makes good on his promise to be waterboarded for charity.

So what’s the hold up, Sean?  It’s not like you’d be the first journalist to be waterboarded under controlled circumstances.  It’s not like once it’s over it’ll happen another 182 times.

Rhetorical question, of course.  Sean Hannity can dismiss the U.S.’s use of torture and make false macho claims because no one who listens to Sean Hannity actually expects him to go through with it.  People already listen to Sean Hannity despite the fact that he appears to be a marshmallow with a hairpiece and rabies.  Once you’re willing to get your news from a cartoon character, it’s not like you’re expecting a lot in terms of follow through on what said ‘mallow says he’ll do.  He’s good for the thirty seconds he’s barking out what you want to hear, playing the role, after that he can go home and get ready to do it again tomorrow.

I feel I have some perspective on this because I almost drowned some years back.  I was young, couldn’t swim and I stepped in over my head and sunk.  It’s a strange thing feeling completely helpless, breathing water into paths meant for air, the body rioting against this perversion of processes.  The foremost thing in my mind, more frenzied and burning than what I’d call a thought, was the dissolution of every safe thing I had counted on up until that point.  As that I didn’t know if I was ever getting to breathe again, owing to the fact that I’m not a TV show host doing a stunt for charity, my life ended there, in ugly, unfinished pieces that were nothing because they couldn’t float.

I was pulled off the bottom still waving my arms. It was good to be there, puking water on the grass, feeling it come out of my lungs all molten and acidic, the various panic juices shuddering around my body.

But fuck it, for $2 million?  Going in knowing I’d be saved?  Well, that’s a lot of phone cards, body armor, wet naps and gaps in the rent plugged for military families.

What it comes down to is that to be drowned is to be proved unequivocally wrong.  What you thought about what it would feel like is wrong.  There’s no way to shrug it off with a rehearsed smile, puke up some water and say “Oh, it’s a little splash in the face.”

No.  That’s where the whole big facade comes crashing down.  And well, you can’t do that on television.  Not on Hannity’s show.

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