Tasmanian Devils in Hamster Balls

You’ve heard what’s happening to the Tasmanian devils, right? Really freaky face cancer, spread like it’s oral herpes at a kino mutai junior prom.

Wait, what?

OK, Tasmanian devils, like their more famous cartoon counterpart, really like biting things.  Things like kangaroos and wombats and, hell, each other, all in the course of saying “hello” or “fuck off” or “let’s have sex”.  Along comes a cancer spread by gnawing on your neighbors face and all hell breaks loose.  Add that to the low genetic diversity of the species (apparently the stereotype of human Tasmanians also applies to the massively inbred population of devils) and the poor little monsters are dropping like flies.  Horribly disfigured flies.

Efforts have lately focused on quarantining healthy individuals and setting up captive breeding programs to preserve the species.  This won’t do any favors for the cause of genetic diversity, though. The clear answer is to prevent infection at the point of contact with some manner of prophylactic.  In this case, may I suggest the humble hamster ball?

Hamster ball technology has been around for years so it’s got to be safe and effective.  With specially hardened plastics, an off-road model that would suit the rough-and-tumble lifestyle of the Tasmanian Devil could be developed.  A miniature version of a golfball retriever could be integrated in the taz-ball design to allow chunks of tasty carrion to be introduced into the ball.  And what better tourist attraction than promising a miniature version of American Gladiators combat in the picturesque forests of Australia’s rugged, vagina-shaped island neighbor?

Wrangling these noble beasts into their protective shells could provide “green jobs” to the locals.  And what enterprising future scientist wouldn’t jump at the chance to spend a summer opening urine-dyed plastic balls to jerk off sedated Tasmanian Devils to continue the species via artificial insemination?  Listen people, IT BEATS WORKING RETAIL.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *