The Forbidden Secrets of Mark Twain

Mark Twain had his nut together, as the feller says.  In perhaps the classiest move in the realm of tell-all books, Twain added a stipulation to his reputedly vitriolic autobiography for a hundred year delay in publication, saving all but perhaps the youngest of targets of his invective the embarrassment of still being alive.

This year that century is finally over.  No longer shall Twain’s crankiest gripes be denied us.  The manuscript is still being polished, at the moment, giving us a golden window of irresponsible speculation as to the contents.


  • reveal Twain as the true lyricist of “Hey Man Nice Shot“, originally a scandalous tribute to Leon Czolgosz, assassin of William McKinley?
  • uncover lost secrets of mustache maintenance, long since outlawed? (hint: spare the placenta, spoil the ‘stache)
  • sketch out an unpublished novel that served as inspiration for Jurassic Park, entitled A Connecticut Yankee in a G_____n Reptile Orgy!?
  • serve as the text for a book cipher that reveals bosom buddy Nikola Tesla’s suppressed formula for free energy?

Whatever this bitchy chronicle will hold, I guarantee you it will contain fewer WTFs per minute than this clip from The Adventures of Mark Twain.

Let it be known that I prefer the Red Headed Stranger to the Mysterious Stranger.

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