Someone get a man in as there’s something wrong with time and space. Somehow this thing– this movie– came over from some awful bizarro world alternate universe where Gilbert Godfried is President and KFC sells Wolly Mammoth thigh. That can be the only logical explanation.
Regularly, instrumental songs became a #1 hit from Billboard’s inception in 1950. That is, until 1985. It has been 25 years since an instrumental charted that high. The last time an instrumental made the top 20 was 1996. What does this say about our culture today?
Here’s the plot: A young boy goes to a burned down mansion and meets the ghosts of the homeless squatters that died in the fire. As a result he acquires “the Fright” and all of his hair falls out. The ghosts visit him in a dream and give him a recipe involving peanut butter to restore his hair. Overnight he gets a full head of hair, and his buddy feels inspired to put it on his balls. Their hair grows really long and they get suspended for distracting others from their head and ball hair. Then see the main kid’s hair so long he can barely move (fortunately they did not show his buddy) and he passes out. Somehow by screaming at his hair it stops growing. Problem solved– but no. A pissed off art teacher who hates kids and imagination (naturally two things an art teacher should hate) kidnaps all of the children and forces them to make brushes with the main character’s hair. Oh, and when those brushes are used whatever they paint becomes real. Of course one child draws the mansion and “the Fright” is passed from the kid to the art teacher who is then arrested. Of course.
That’s the plot. If it sounds like a bizarre, demented dream then you are not the only one. The vast majority of people who have seen this schizophrenic nightmare of a movie assume it was a bad dream. Most children, even if they lack the vocabulary, think “What the fuck” upon seeing this film.
The plot, if you could call it that, are vignettes of various childhood nightmares strung together by the very weak thread of the same actors throughout. Possibly this Canadian ‘masterpiece’ surpasses even Lynch or Cronenberg as disturbing– because of its sincerity of telling a bat guano crazy story to small children. The theatrical trailer insists its fun for the whole family, but I sincerely doubt that.
The above video is presently blowing up on Twitter, sending me off looking for more stop-motion/psuedo stop-motion papercraft. Oddly, I spent a good chunk of last night tearing up sheets of paper and moving them millimeters. If there’s a more introverted activity than stop-motion animation, I’d like to hear of it.
Mercifully, here’s a jump, with more on the other side for those with time on their hands.
Do you fancy yourself a computer home computer enthusiast? Or would you like to become one? Rest assured, everything you need to know is in retarded movies.
Access Denied & Hacking
Anytime anything wrong happens it will inevitably lead to a full screen flashing text saying Access Denied. Period. Oh and passwords are really easy to figure out and usually as I learned from Watchmen or The X-Files are the names of objects located near the computer in question. It’s also quite easy as in WarGames to accidentally get the username and password for thermodynamic weapons or some vast conspiracy.
Wondering how you will be able to obtain anything through this “hacking” nonsense like bank cards, video confessions or someone’s DNA? Luckily, NASA and other agencies have easy to use high-tech user interfaces with well thought buttons indicated “LAUNCH SHUTTLE” or “NUKE THE SOVIET UNION.” These functions are all accessible over the World Wide Web. Anytime you need access at the last minute to a nuclear power plant, NORAD, or a car’s engine hacking is on your side.
You may need to use a computer virus to do some super good or harm, just as long as it has a countdown sequence. Alien spaceship or home computer: viruses can do anything. They also cause physical damage such as smoke, screen glitches, or elaborate bitching graphics with skulls and crap off of a Lisa Frank folder.
Planning is not necessary: just jam on your keyboard and that sad Access Denied will become a giant green Access Granted!
Everything is VR
The single best way of using a computer is not through a mouse and keyboard. If you want to get real work done, slap on a VR helmet. Also you know how Google makes it easy to find things by there being a convenient search box? No, there should be virtual file cabinets to hide and misfile information.
Michael Douglas does this in Disclosure. When he’s not getting raped by Demi Moore he invents VR. He’s able to find dirt on Moore way quicker than with Google or any of those kids toys. It’s like Halo mixed with Altavista from 1997. This is typical of movies like Lawnmower Man, Virtuosity, and Johnny Mnemonic they make computer seem magical and less utilitarian– as doing mundane tasks like opening Outlook should be. Insert virtual reality and anything can happen– even sex!
If the computer does anything involving the security depart they must have a 3D wireframe model of the entire building allowing the security guards to zoom in and out a lá Jurassic Park or Ocean’s 12. Otherwise they are fucked.
In short, this is how the Internet works. Or at least how it works for Keanu Reeves.
Never Make Backups, Ever
Great, so you discovered that the President is sleeping with, literally sleeping with the Soviet Premier. Save the information on one floppy disk or one laptop and never make a backup, physical copy, or email it to anyone. This is extremely important. This is imperative. Otherwise you will never have a final showdown with your enemy who thought he won on top of a skyscraper as he’s about to crush the floppy disk. Don’t believe me? Watch Fled, Mission Impossible, The Net, or any movie made in the 1990′s.
In Conclusion: There is Nothing A Computer Can’t Do
CSI and Bladerunner shows that any camera has infinite resolution. You must be a horrible photographer if you can’t get a perfect shot of the ‘perp reflecting in the teeth of a witness from a MacDonald’s security camera. All software is compatible with any other software, just slide the disk in an the file will pop up. Also, note that even over a payphone in Hackers its possible to have unlimited Internet speeds. DARYL in the aptly named DARYL had unlimited wireless bandwidth. Just remember whatever it is, whatever plot hole, computers will fix it.
You don’t have to take my word for it, tell ‘em Keanu:
Kraftwerk are widely regarded as one of the most influential groups in music of all time. Namely for their pioneering work using synthesizers and drum machines but also for their distinct melodies. They have been cited as an influence from musicians such as Madonna, David Bowie, and Michael Jackson.
They are one of the most sampled groups with their melodies and beats appearing in rock, pop, and hiphop. Their music has been heavily sampled or covered by artists such as Afrika Bombasta, U2, Coldplay, and Will Smith.
One artist who also covered them, was Rick Moranis.
As in Honey I Shrunk the Kids and Spaceballs and Strange Brew Rick Moranis. Thus creating the single greatest cultural crossover since that guy who played the Doctor or Doctor Who is the bad guy in the forthcoming GI Joe movie. Or when The Jetsons were on The Flintstones.
The cover was released on Moranis’ now out of print 1989 EP You, Me, the Music and Me.
I guess after looking at these two images I can see the connection.
Other great Kraftwerk covers:
Movies about aliens are certainly not new, as well as the evil aliens invade Earth plot. The recent crop of alien movies such as Battle for Terra, Avatar, The Day Keanu the World Stood Still, and District 9 though feature a thinly veiled metaphor: humans are the bad guys and not the aliens. Instead of the usual aliens invade and must be stopped by Jeff Goldblum using his Powerbook.
All of these basically have the same storyline: humans meet some aliens, humans are mean to aliens, one human is nice to the aliens, and then they all get along and the bad humans go away.
I wonder what historical figure or incidents of late could have inspired that people in their arrogance and greed destroy the lives of others under the pretense of it being good…