From the Archives: Crichton Latitudes

Crichton wasn’t as steeped in maritime history as, say, Patrick O’Brian, author of “Master and Commander” and the other Aubrey-Maturin novels, but he acquits himself well enough in describing how slower-burning fuses can be made from opossum guts, how to survive a hurricane at sea and how to sabotage Danish cannons. The precision of the historical detail helps conceal the thinness of the characterizations, as everyone in the book, from Hunter on down, is a type, not a three-dimensional individual. -Michael Berry’s review of Pirate Latitudes As you may know, this website’s content was originally intended to be fairly Michael Crichton-centric. In honor of the posthumous publication of the Crichton pirate novel Pirate Latitudes, I thought I’d dredge up some chum from the lies cellar of the good ship TITLE‘s alternate reality Wikipedia: Cryptic Crichton Statements: Immediately subsequent to the Sept. 11 attacks and for three months afterward, Crichton faxed […]

12 Lies Every Douche in a Bar Insists Are True

There are many, many lies we all believe. Every douche at a bar will swear these 12 fictoids are true despite science– As everyone know these things to be ‘true’. Here are twelve of the most common that I have heard recently. Ostriches put their head in sand. If you have seen it, it’s called “Photoshop” as in the case of a recent Newsweek cover. We can all blame Pliny the Elder (23-79 CE) who attempted to catalog all knowledge of the Roman Empire. In Book 10, Chapter 1, he wrote “…they imagine, when they have thrust their head and neck into a bush, that the whole of their body is concealed.” Thanks, Pliny. In fairness animals are hard to categorize; for some time it was thought a kangaroo had two heads due to the young baby in tow. Disney is frozen Disney maintained an extremely private life leading to rumors […]

Everything I Know About Computers I Learned From Movies

Do you fancy yourself a computer home computer enthusiast? Or would you like to become one? Rest assured, everything you need to know is in retarded movies. Access Denied & Hacking Anytime anything wrong happens it will inevitably lead to a full screen flashing text saying Access Denied. Period. Oh and passwords are really easy to figure out and usually as I learned from Watchmen or The X-Files are the names of objects located near the computer in question. It’s also quite easy as in WarGames to accidentally get the username and password for thermodynamic weapons or some vast conspiracy. Wondering how you will be able to obtain anything through this “hacking” nonsense like bank cards, video confessions or someone’s DNA? Luckily, NASA and other agencies have easy to use high-tech user interfaces with well thought buttons indicated “LAUNCH SHUTTLE” or “NUKE THE SOVIET UNION.” These functions are all accessible […]

Tin Foil Hats Are Sexy: Barack Obama prepares for UFO arrival, open alien contact

From All News Web: Barack Obama is in almost daily contact with SETI and is communicating with the aliens directly. The aliens indirectly contributed to the development of internet search engines and they are in limited contact with Google through SETI. They are able to access the internet currently and their involvement in search engine research is for the purpose of allowing them to understand as much about earth as possible prior to their next arrival. Awesome. Not only is Barack Obama in constant contact with them but they both contribute and learn from the Internet. Just keep that in mind whenever you spread a meme: cultural emissaries from several light years away will be basing every picture of a cat as what it means to be human.

Infinity (In Jest)

In the video below one of the Brothers Winn from What You Ought to Know here states several misconceptions on the idea of infinity as well as alternate universes. Multiverse theory follows that ‘this’ universe exists along side many other universes. Some suppose that when a quantum event occurs, e.g. an electron moves, a different universe is created with each distinct possibility.  Or as what the gentleman in the video below comically says “you are batman, and a woman.” A popular misconception is infinity means everything or anything can happen. Any mathematician or someone with an elementary school education will tell you there are an infinite set of numbers between 2.34 and 2.35. Numbers such as 2.341, 2.342, 2.3421 and so on. None of these numbers, however, are 7.938. Or in other words there might be an infinite set of universes but none where he is right.

Origin Story: Lies about Michael Crichton

Way back in the dark ages of 2008–a year sure to be called, henceforth, “The Fuckening”–my original designs for titleofmagazine were largely fermented cubicle thoughts merging pop science blurbs with lies about authors whose names appear in raised type on their books’ dust jackets.  I had fantasies of gently ribbing airport bookstore gods such as Dean “Groping Golden Hand” Koontz and Michael “Gigantor” Crichton into turning my life into a treeless version of The Most Dangerous Game. But alas, Crichton’s heart gave out.  The man was 6’20” and given to flogging the writing muscles until they squeezed out the purest extracts of commuter-ready techno-thriller and such a strain finally took its toll.  He died the undisputed king of jamming the Clif’s Notes version of modern science up a tyrannosaurus’s ass and then rolling in its cash scented excretions.  A wild ride indeed. So instead of a running joke, I offer […]