Someone get a man in as there’s something wrong with time and space. Somehow this thing– this movie– came over from some awful bizarro world alternate universe where Gilbert Godfried is President and KFC sells Wolly Mammoth thigh. That can be the only logical explanation.
This 1987 $11 million dollar over the budget flop with Michael Keaton in some 1980’s “My Life is Bonkers!” comedy in the vain of The Man with the one Red Shoe, Three Men and a Baby, and Quick Change will not see a DVD (or poster) rerelease anytime soon.
Sometimes they hold sneak previews for movies, and ask the audience to rate the picture on a scale ranging from “excellent” to “poor.” I’ve got an idea for “The Squeeze.” They should hand the audience postcards and ask them to mail them back a week after seeing the movie – if they can recall anything about the plot. I’m serious. This movie isn’t about anything or anybody, and to remember it is an act of the will.
I think there’s one thing memorable about that cover: its never going to be forgotten today. If Sarah Palin ever wants to ban Michael Keaton comedies at “Ground Zero” I would be all for that.
Found at: Dave Holloway’s 80’s Video Sleeves
With NASA’s budget constantly getting the axe wouldn’t it be fun if somone else had an established space colony? Well, what if they were Fascist or Communist? That’s the premise of this potential movie, this movie, and this potential series.
This movie Iron Sky in the works from the people behind Star Wreck is a fan funded effort to make a comedy– about Nazis on the moon. These people have experience making movies with fan contributions alone from their Star Wreck series, but this is fairly ambitious.
Iron Sky Trailer 1
Iron Sky Trailer 2
Also on the lighter side of Fascists-in-space comes this comedy from Italy based on a 2002 sketch comedy series. It’s about a band of Mussolini flavored Fascists roughing it on Mars with no food, no water, and no oxygen.
Fascisti Su Marte (Part 1, English Subtitles)
Most recently is the pilot episode for a series called Pioneer One that like Iron Sky is fan funded. The same people did The Lionshare which was intriguing conceptually but fell flat in terms of acting and writing. It did include shots of my former favorite bar around these parts of Brooklyn called Stain (RIP), which was fun. Pioneer One is ambitious but the witty banter, acting, and cinematography fall flat. That being said, I wanted to see episode 2 after I saw this. It’s a strong premise: a DHS team finds a downed Soviet spaceship carrying a weak, ill cosmonaut with a note claiming he’s from a Mars colony secretly established in 1985.
Note: you can download the torrent file free of charge at Pioneer One‘s website.
From the LA Times article “Kevin Costner may hold key to oil spill cleanup“:
The “Kevin Costner solution” to the worsening oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico may actually work, and none too soon for the president of Plaquemines Parish.
Wow. I had no idea Kevin Costner held the key to anything, let alone solving an environmental disaster. Or that the abysmal movie Waterworld might save the world.
I couldn’t stop myself from firing up Photoshop to make the movie poster for this affair.
Here’s the plot: A young boy goes to a burned down mansion and meets the ghosts of the homeless squatters that died in the fire. As a result he acquires “the Fright” and all of his hair falls out. The ghosts visit him in a dream and give him a recipe involving peanut butter to restore his hair. Overnight he gets a full head of hair, and his buddy feels inspired to put it on his balls. Their hair grows really long and they get suspended for distracting others from their head and ball hair. Then see the main kid’s hair so long he can barely move (fortunately they did not show his buddy) and he passes out. Somehow by screaming at his hair it stops growing. Problem solved– but no. A pissed off art teacher who hates kids and imagination (naturally two things an art teacher should hate) kidnaps all of the children and forces them to make brushes with the main character’s hair. Oh, and when those brushes are used whatever they paint becomes real. Of course one child draws the mansion and “the Fright” is passed from the kid to the art teacher who is then arrested. Of course.
That’s the plot. If it sounds like a bizarre, demented dream then you are not the only one. The vast majority of people who have seen this schizophrenic nightmare of a movie assume it was a bad dream. Most children, even if they lack the vocabulary, think “What the fuck” upon seeing this film.
The plot, if you could call it that, are vignettes of various childhood nightmares strung together by the very weak thread of the same actors throughout. Possibly this Canadian ‘masterpiece’ surpasses even Lynch or Cronenberg as disturbing– because of its sincerity of telling a bat guano crazy story to small children. The theatrical trailer insists its fun for the whole family, but I sincerely doubt that.
Mark Coleran has designed many of the user interfaces seen in films, from Blade II to Children of Men. His delicate balance between futuristic fantasy and present familiarity is astounding.
It’s easy to do overdramatic access denied screens, but Coleran’s work is eye catching, understandable and even clever. In an unused interface for Children of Men, a “coverflow” view like iTunes is shown. Before iTunes even introduced coverflow.
You should really see some of his work.
He’s also a designer for real life UI. Gridiron Flow looks like the one thing that would make any Creative Director, Designer, or Art Director’s life easier. In a simple overview you see all files related to a project and how they relate to each other.
In the late 1950’s Texan oil tycoon Tom Slick launched an expedition to Nepal. He searched of a rumored hand of yeti hand, now called the Pangbouche Hand, allegedly used as part of a ritual in the Himalayas. That area is home to many legends such as “The Abominable Snowman” with white fur and its redheaded stepchild Almas.
He located the hand at a Buddhist monastery in Pangboche. Subsequent treks brought photos of the hand and ultimately the hand itself. The monks declined these fast talking city slickers in coats request to have the hand removed for study.
Slick’s associate Peter Byrne cracked a plan: replace the hand with human remains and smuggle it out of Nepal. Then what?
That’s where Byrne and Slick’s hunting buddy/flying pal and all around American good-guy actor Jimmy Stewart comes in. Yes, It’s a Wonderful Life, Harvey and Rear Window Jimmy Stewart. Stewart rushed to India and smuggled the hand to London. To avoid confiscation Stewart hid the hand in his wife’s unspeakables– her underwear. This was confirmed in a letter Stewart wrote to Loren Coleman as Coleman was writing Slick’s biography.
Tests so far have been inconclusive if its a genuine article or a hoax. What parts were added by Byrne’s bamboozling or what parts are original also remains unclear.
The only clear thing is lets hope Stewart discarded his lady’s underwear after being wrapped in rotten yeti flesh.
Do you fancy yourself a computer home computer enthusiast? Or would you like to become one? Rest assured, everything you need to know is in retarded movies.
Access Denied & Hacking
Anytime anything wrong happens it will inevitably lead to a full screen flashing text saying Access Denied. Period. Oh and passwords are really easy to figure out and usually as I learned from Watchmen or The X-Files are the names of objects located near the computer in question. It’s also quite easy as in WarGames to accidentally get the username and password for thermodynamic weapons or some vast conspiracy.
Wondering how you will be able to obtain anything through this “hacking” nonsense like bank cards, video confessions or someone’s DNA? Luckily, NASA and other agencies have easy to use high-tech user interfaces with well thought buttons indicated “LAUNCH SHUTTLE” or “NUKE THE SOVIET UNION.” These functions are all accessible over the World Wide Web. Anytime you need access at the last minute to a nuclear power plant, NORAD, or a car’s engine hacking is on your side.
You may need to use a computer virus to do some super good or harm, just as long as it has a countdown sequence. Alien spaceship or home computer: viruses can do anything. They also cause physical damage such as smoke, screen glitches, or elaborate bitching graphics with skulls and crap off of a Lisa Frank folder.
Planning is not necessary: just jam on your keyboard and that sad Access Denied will become a giant green Access Granted!
Everything is VR
The single best way of using a computer is not through a mouse and keyboard. If you want to get real work done, slap on a VR helmet. Also you know how Google makes it easy to find things by there being a convenient search box? No, there should be virtual file cabinets to hide and misfile information.
Michael Douglas does this in Disclosure. When he’s not getting raped by Demi Moore he invents VR. He’s able to find dirt on Moore way quicker than with Google or any of those kids toys. It’s like Halo mixed with Altavista from 1997. This is typical of movies like Lawnmower Man, Virtuosity, and Johnny Mnemonic they make computer seem magical and less utilitarian– as doing mundane tasks like opening Outlook should be. Insert virtual reality and anything can happen– even sex!
If the computer does anything involving the security depart they must have a 3D wireframe model of the entire building allowing the security guards to zoom in and out a lá Jurassic Park or Ocean’s 12. Otherwise they are fucked.
In short, this is how the Internet works. Or at least how it works for Keanu Reeves.
Never Make Backups, Ever
Great, so you discovered that the President is sleeping with, literally sleeping with the Soviet Premier. Save the information on one floppy disk or one laptop and never make a backup, physical copy, or email it to anyone. This is extremely important. This is imperative. Otherwise you will never have a final showdown with your enemy who thought he won on top of a skyscraper as he’s about to crush the floppy disk. Don’t believe me? Watch Fled, Mission Impossible, The Net, or any movie made in the 1990’s.
In Conclusion: There is Nothing A Computer Can’t Do
CSI and Bladerunner shows that any camera has infinite resolution. You must be a horrible photographer if you can’t get a perfect shot of the ‘perp reflecting in the teeth of a witness from a MacDonald’s security camera. All software is compatible with any other software, just slide the disk in an the file will pop up. Also, note that even over a payphone in Hackers its possible to have unlimited Internet speeds. DARYL in the aptly named DARYL had unlimited wireless bandwidth. Just remember whatever it is, whatever plot hole, computers will fix it.
You don’t have to take my word for it, tell ‘em Keanu:
Movies about aliens are certainly not new, as well as the evil aliens invade Earth plot. The recent crop of alien movies such as Battle for Terra, Avatar, The Day Keanu the World Stood Still, and District 9 though feature a thinly veiled metaphor: humans are the bad guys and not the aliens. Instead of the usual aliens invade and must be stopped by Jeff Goldblum using his Powerbook.
All of these basically have the same storyline: humans meet some aliens, humans are mean to aliens, one human is nice to the aliens, and then they all get along and the bad humans go away.
I wonder what historical figure or incidents of late could have inspired that people in their arrogance and greed destroy the lives of others under the pretense of it being good…