1. A Futuristic Buddy Cop Staring Whoopi Goldberg and a Dinosaur. WTF?

    Someone get a man in as there’s something wrong with time and space. Somehow this thing– this movie– came over from some awful bizarro world alternate universe where Gilbert Godfried is President and KFC sells Wolly Mammoth thigh. That can be the only logical explanation.

    Yes, someone in 1995 really thought a movie set in the the future where Whoopi Goldberg teams up with a dinosaur named Theodore Rex was a good idea.

    Theodore Rex Trailer

    Theodore Rex, Best of the Worst


  2. Worst. Disclosure. Ever.

    Yeah yeah, white spots over Manhattan, let’s all get loopy and waste my damn time.  If that’s all the show-stopping “save yourselves before it’s too late” power the ETs can muster, I’ll wait around for the Vulcans to come snooping around.

    Seriously.  Why can’t it ever be like it is for Nic Cage?

    If anyone needs me I’ll be in the basement making a warp drive out of an Arduino, a whippet and a female condom.

    via wtfjapanseriously




  3. The Peanut Butter Solution: Childhood's Real Bad Dream

    PeanutButterSolutionLogo

    Here’s the plot: A young boy goes to a burned down mansion and meets the ghosts of the homeless squatters that died in the fire. As a result he acquires “the Fright” and all of his hair falls out. The ghosts visit him in a dream and give him a recipe involving peanut butter to restore his hair. Overnight he gets a full head of hair, and his buddy feels inspired to put it on his balls. Their hair grows really long and they get suspended for distracting others from their head and ball hair. Then see the main kid’s hair so long he can barely move (fortunately they did not show his buddy) and he passes out. Somehow by screaming at his hair it stops growing. Problem solved– but no. A pissed off art teacher who hates kids and imagination (naturally two things an art teacher should hate) kidnaps all of the children and forces them to make brushes with the main character’s hair. Oh, and when those brushes are used whatever they paint becomes real. Of course one child draws the mansion and “the Fright” is passed from the kid to the art teacher who is then arrested. Of course.

    What?

    That’s the plot. If it sounds like a bizarre, demented dream then you are not the only one. The vast majority of people who have seen this schizophrenic nightmare of a movie assume it was a bad dream. Most children, even if they lack the vocabulary, think “What the fuck” upon seeing this film.

    The plot, if you could call it that, are vignettes of various childhood nightmares strung together by the very weak thread of the same actors throughout. Possibly this Canadian ‘masterpiece’ surpasses even Lynch or Cronenberg as disturbing– because of its sincerity of telling a bat guano crazy story to small children. The theatrical trailer insists its fun for the whole family, but I sincerely doubt that.


  4. Tomes & Talisman: A Library WTF Venture

    Tomes_&_Talismans_LogoProduced by Mississippi ETV in 1986, Tomes & Talisman presented library and research concepts with a scifi drama. Ms. Bookhart, a librarian from the world of 2123 compiles with her compatriots a library of all human knowledge– which incidentally is in book form and about the size of an average high school library.

    Humans were forced off Earth by a race called “The Wipers” who have drunken frat boy at a Midwestern tailgating party level technology: as in yell and throw things. So naturally faced up against the hooligans humans have to evacuate. Bookhart’s library is missing one book, so she sets out in the bookmobile hours before the last evacuation to find it.

    Bookhart then meets a deus ex machina generic cloaked spirt guy with magic powers who puts her to sleep for 100 years called “The Universal Being.” Oh, then there are these Nordic Anglo Saxon looking aliens who love jumpsuits and headbands called “The Users” whom she takes back to the library.

    Confused? I sure as hell was when I saw this in the early 1990′s in elementary school. A sincere attempt at educational television, but it seemed both worthless and frightening.

    Already card catalogs were gone replaced by terminals. I was also confused why the hell we were watching this low budget postapocalyptic bizarro fest paleofuture where teleportation, space travel, and microfilm are real but computers are not.

    As PBS educational television icon Lavar Burton said “you don’t have to take my word for it.” Here’s part 1 of 13.


  5. 12 Lies Every Douche in a Bar Insists Are True

    There are many, many lies we all believe. Every douche at a bar will swear these 12 fictoids are true despite science– As everyone know these things to be ‘true’. Here are twelve of the most common that I have heard recently.

    Ostriches put their head in sand.

    If you have seen it, it’s called “Photoshop” as in the case of a recent Newsweek cover. We can all blame Pliny the Elder (23-79 CE) who attempted to catalog all knowledge of the Roman Empire. In Book 10, Chapter 1, he wrote “…they imagine, when they have thrust their head and neck into a bush, that the whole of their body is concealed.” Thanks, Pliny. In fairness animals are hard to categorize; for some time it was thought a kangaroo had two heads due to the young baby in tow.

    Disney is frozen

    Disney maintained an extremely private life leading to rumors that he was a harsh anti-Semite, a puppet of Zionists, a Communist and a Fascist. One confirmed fact is his remains were cremated at Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California– much more prosaic than cryogenic suspension. Very few have taken the leap to become a cryonaut, most notably baseball legend Ted Williams, Williams’ son John Henry Williams, and futurist FM-2030.

    Sugar causes hyperactivity

    Sugar is called empty calories for a clear reason: its just calories without vitamins, proteins, or lipids. Our bodies need calories for energy, but we can find them in every food we consume. Sugar is no different than any food with calories and does not provide any excess energy. Excess amounts of oranges, pork, or even burgers provides the same if not more for bouts of energy.

    Every seven years your cells regenerate

    Do you remember any event from seven or more years ago? Good, as that means a neuron in your head has survived  seven years. Brain cells– among other cells– last longer than seven years. It’s nice to think that every seven year your body gets a refresh but unfortunately that’s not the case. We just get seven years older.

    You only use 10% of your brain

    The origin of this myth is dubious but perhaps stems from upstate New Yorker Orson Squire Fowler a proponent of the pseudoscience phrenology, life-style pundit, and inventor of the octagon house. Phrenology claimed the brain was divided into neat platonic sections controlling “friendship,” “love,” and “ailments.” It’s a soothing idea to think that 90% of your brain remains untapped of potential. Perhaps one we could utilize that, and realize our dream as a 6 year old of being the greatest person, ever. CAT scans and logic tells us we use that 90% all the time– and you don’t want to part with that 90%.

    We lose 90% of heat through our head

    So what does that 90% of your brain do? According to suburban mom wisdom it is where 90% of the heat in your body escapes. The ancient Greeks among others thought of the brain as simply a cooling mechanism for the body. For 90% of the heat in your body to escape from your body, 90% would need to be in your head. If you want to do an experiment, walk around with a hat but completely naked in the dead of winter. Chances are you will be arrested and pretty damn cold.

    Drink 8 glasses of water a day; coffee causes you to lose hydration

    Though not recommended, you can get daily requirements for liquid from daily food intake. Many will insist though that water is a cure-all, able to solve any and all problems. They will also insist that beverages such as coffee, soda, or tea are a diuretic meaning a net-loss of water. Though coffee and soda are not as efficient as water, they do not cause a loss of water.  While drinking eight glasses might not be necessary, it is not a requirement.

    Lemmings jump off a cliff

    Uncle Walt may not wait in cryogenic suspension. His company did force numerous lemmings to die and create the myth of lemming suicide. Lemmings do on occasion fall into the ocean from cliffs, as do people on occasion. However, it is not a habit and not the norm. While filming the nature documentary White Wilderness the set staff pushed the poor critters off a cliff dramatically. Killing the lemmings but a myth was born. [Edit: Let's go to tape on this one: lemmings getting White and Wild]

    Tequila worms

    Tequila does not have a worm in it. Mezcal, however, does. Tequila, by definition, is made exclusively from blue agave. According to liquor standards in the US and Mexico tequila cannot contain insects or larvae.

    More importantly though eating the worm will not provide any additional inebriate, aphrodisiac, or any effects. It’s just a gimmick.

    Cow tipping

    Cows do not sleep standing up. Period. Nor do they lock their legs. Period. Approaching a field for cow-tipping has simply become a faux right-of-passage for hick high school students in the US. While cows are docile, tipping them is physically impossible.

    Purple cloud in a pool when you pee

    Many even recall seeing a cloud of purple or red around someone in a public pool indicating that person was urinating. There is no such chemical. Though this discouraged youths from peeing in the pool, this chemical cannot be purchased and does not exist. How often urination in pools happens would require constant draining and refilling of every public pool which is beyond budgets or feasibility. Discouraged from swimming yet?

    Water spins in a different direction in the southern hemisphere

    The Coriolis effect does have a weak force on objects on Earth. That force is too weak to effect water or any other liquid. Water spins both clockwise and counterclockwise on both sides of the equator. Movement in water from origin will dictate its direction regardless of hemisphere. Try it in your sink by pushing water one way or another. This will not even require a trip across the hemisphere to Australia, New Zealand, Thailand, etc.


  6. Friend Request From the California Prison System

    twitterbird_cuffs

    Hell yes you can friend the California Department of Corrections on MySpace!  A quick look around their homepage reveals that Corrections is earning their 2009 Gold Award from SiOC for Best State Website with more social networking than you can shake a stick (presumably smuggled in a cavity) at.

    Sure, their Twitter usage is a bit rudimentary, mostly highlighting press where they’re mentioned.  (Sample headline: ‘Oldest Youth Offender Paroled’) But think of the thrill of becoming Facebook buds with the U.S.’s largest state-run prison system. (165,000 adult offenders and rising)  Keep them in the loop with your changes in maritial or parole eligibility status.

    There’s also a few gems on their YouTube Channel, such as a COPS Lite look at SNAG that makes me dream of being the California Department of Corrections official drum machine operator. Also, don’t miss the somewhat Cash-centric Folsom Prison Museum clip, featuring both behind the scenes footage of Joaquin Phoenix and an inmate-built toothpick ferris wheel.

    @philspector yo room for 1 mo, no wig tho kthx